Wednesday, 20 November 2013

The Boris Safety School for Victims

Advanced Listening for Cyclists

Never wear headphones. Safety guru Boris, has [now] classed these as dangerous machinery and must never be worn whilst cycling.

In this course we'll teach you how to distinguish the difference between a safely driven vehicle and a HGV being driven by an incompetent, dangerous driver, who isnt wearing his required glasses, by listening alone. We will help refine your hearing abilities to such an extent that you'll be able to

  • differentiate between an angry beeping Audi driver and say a truck driver that will simply mow you down because they were on the phone.
  • detect the tell tale sounds of a driver that is texting
  • recognise the make & model of the car behind you.
  • hear the words "Road Tax" at a distance of up to 400m

Many of our better students go onto perfect the art of listening to such an extent that they rarely ever need to look over their shoulder (a manoeuvre known as a life-saver). Why bother routinely looking over your shoulder when you can rely on your hearing, which is infinitely more valuable than using your vision.

In the rare event that your hearing detects an inconsiderate, aggressive or out right dangerous driver such as a 4x4 on the school run, we'll show you how to safely launch yourself off your bike at great speed to avoid peril. Time is of the essence for this safety action, once you hear the tell tale signs of an incompetent driver you must not delay the launch. Naturally it is important to differentiate between a dangerous driver and a false-positive, like engine braking, otherwise you are in danger of looking pretty stupid by launching yourself off your bike for no reason. We will teach you how to do this safely and robustly. Naturally we insist that helmets must be worn when practising the safety jump.

As listening is such a vital part of road safety we strongly advise deaf people to stay indoors as they are unable to differentiate the tell tale sounds of a dangerous driver.

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